death and all of its friends..

My house feels so empty. I never thought this time would come, and now it has and it feels like it will never go away.

Death of a pet, it’s really hard to comprehend once it has actually happened to you. Over the years, I have overheard my friends talking about their pets passing and never really thought behind the emotions of the scene, until yesterday. My dog Cocoa died yesterday morning, after living an adventurous life of 10 years.

It happened so fast. Two nights before, Dev and I were playing with her and she was totally alert and normal, snuggling with us on the couch. I woke up the next morning wondering why Cocoa wasn’t acting herself, something was wrong with her. She wasn’t eating, moving, or even alert. She wet her diaper we put her in, because her bladder wasn’t holding up in the night, and she was lifeless. Driving her to the vet was a ride so different than ever before. Usually, Cocoa loved car rides. Always jumping around and sticking her head out of the window with her tongue flopping every which way, but it was unusual. There she lay on the seat with her head down just grieving inside. When you looked into her eyes, you could see a different story, a story behind those eyes I never wanted to read.

I got the call hours later that Cocoa wasn’t going to make it through the night… Are you serious? Cocoa, my dog, was dying. When I heard the news I was babysitting at the time. I heard the words then walked up to Devin balling, telling him what had happened. As he held me tight in his arms and I cried hysterically onto his shoulder, a comfort settled me in a way that was needed.

Doctors told my mom the best thing to do was to put her to sleep, but my mom refused. I agreed with her decision. Even though she didn’t make it a full 24 hours after the news, she was at rest in her home; she passed around everything and everyone she loved, the way it’s meant to be. I will never forget the sight of the passing, slightly traumatizing yet trying to keep myself together as my mom crumbled. The doctors told us she would have a seizure, which she did.

I am so glad I woke up Saturday morning at the time I did because she passed fifteen minutes after. My last ten minutes with her will be something I will cherish forever. Even though it was painful for the both of us, the light was brighter on the other side. And then it happened, she rolled over, started to shake with her heart fluttering like a butterfly, and that was it. She died right in front on me, on my blanket. It was so fast. Her soul was with us then it wasn’t. After spending time with her after her passing, mourn started to overwhelm everyone around. Hours later we decided it was time to let go, time to say our last goodbye.

I brought her into the vet wrapped in my blanket knowing I wasn’t coming out with her. As I said my last “I love you Cocoa” and handed her off, my heart sunk and tears poured from my eyes. As I walked out of the pet hospital, I knew I would never see her again…

As I sit here crying while writing my final goodbye to the best dog I have ever had, I want to make it meaningful in a positive way. Cocoa, I loved you so much, you were the best pet I could ever ask for. I have spent over half of my life with you, and it is something I will cherish my whole life. I will never forget the first time you barked or the times you hopped in the grass. I could always count on you to make me feel better in any situation, which you did every time. Even if sometimes I was upset with you, it never overpowered my love for you. I’m going to miss you with all my heart, but I know you’re in a better place. Even though I want you here with me, it was your time. I will forever love you and remember as a great spirit that influenced me throughout my life.

The past hours have been hard and filled with tears, but only time will heal the pain my family and I feel. Cocoa’s passing opened my eyes to what nothing lasts forever really means. Yes, it is true, but you can’t waste your life knowing things are going to end. Cherish them while they are in your life, remember they were there for a reason and whatever it is will stay with you throughout life, whether it is a person, soul or memory, it will never fade. Remember the good times, and never let negative actions or thoughts steer your life. Live your life to the fullest, because the next day, can truly be your last.

"Felix Hernandez"...

Today was a good day. I woke up from a solid sleep around 10:30 and randomly said to myself, “Felix Hernandez”…. Don’t ask me why, but it brought a smile to my face. I then gazed out my window to see that the sun was shining, but I was too lazy to get out of bed. I then laid there for ten minutes or so because my body was restless. As the day went on, my good feeling just kept growing for the day itself. I was out in the sun with Devin and his little brother playing baseball. Even though Dev almost took out a car, it was pretty laid back. I myself was pretty good at batting; for someone who hasn’t played in years I will add. Once Fred Meyer stole Devin away, I got in my car and decided to go buy teeth whitening strips! Thank you Target brand, you saved me $15! It was odd, as I approached the cashier he starred at me for a good seven seconds, then began to talk like a nervous boy to his teacher scolding him for not doing his homework. He said to me, “Why are you buying these… your smile is already so white.” It was AWKWARD. Because he wouldn’t stop complimenting me with his whisper of a voice, I wanted to get out of there fast. So I did. Took my $4 of change and ran out the sliding doors. As I was driving down Meridian, bad choice from the start, some asshole kid almost crashed into my car. Literally, I have never been so scared in my life. It was the first time I actually slammed on my brake and horn at the same time. He was .1 seconds away from bashing the side of my car… he then laughed at me the whole entire drive down Meridian. Not to mention some fat chick, probably from Graham because she has that persona, kept looking back to me and smiled each, damn time. Sorry, each of those three people in the already beat up car was fuck tards. I ended my night with Devin over; I made him a wonderful bowl of Mac ‘N Cheese with hot dogs in the mix. We then laid on my bed in my candle lit room, don’t get the wrong impression, and watch ESPN for the highlights of the night, waiting for the Mariners to come on, which it didn’t. Oh well. It’s bed time, all I can say is today was a good day.

hmmmm...

I love how college tries to make you pay for stupid little things that don't matter...